She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
