i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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