I think I won the penis lottery.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
