Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
