What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
