Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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