don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
