I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
