my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
