So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
