this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
