I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
my liver is dry heaving
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
