We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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