i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Randomize
