I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize