why didn't you poke me back
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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