My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
