So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
