i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize