i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Randomize
