They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Help. Why am I so naked?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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