He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
