new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
