And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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