Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
