I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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