there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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