I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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