I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize