she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You are a genius and a whore.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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