i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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