It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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