never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
