Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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