I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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