Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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