Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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