Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
