He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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