then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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