I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
