My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
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