I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
