Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
