i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
