So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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