Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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