You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
