The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
