Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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