got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
be right there i have to get my cape
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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