Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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