Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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