I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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