Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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