I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
