I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
