I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
