A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
babies were throwing up all over the place
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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