just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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