Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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