need another drink. this is the easiest way
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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