Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
