is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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