apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
