I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
