If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize