i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
